Baron Arthur Palmerston of Sedgely-Under-Lyme
used his wealth to bribe his way through school.
It didn’t matter what he did, however grave the crime
he thought he could afford to break the rules.
A pin on Mr Tuggey’s chair, blue dye in Mrs Lambert’s hair,
he bought the Head a leather chair and so escaped detention.
He did no work in History, in Music, Art or Geography.
He knew the Head would set him free, so just paid no attention.
We grew to be the best of friends, quite sure our luck would never end,
his money always made amends. The Head grew rich and fat.
We bought him houses, limousines, good caviar and tangerines,
the nicest clothes he’d ever seen, gold collars for his cat.
When trouble came we’d simply flash enormous quantities of cash.
The Head would take it all and dash to save us from the staff.
Our teachers tried to make us pay but we’d just grin at them and say
“get out, get lost, just go away, you fools! You make us laugh.”
But all too soon we found we’d spent poor Baron Arthur’s final cent.
He put his mansion up for rent, his bank account was cleared.
The Head had taken all he had, our teachers seemed unkindly glad.
They wrote detention slips like mad, they gave us twenty years!
Baron Arthur found his health was worsened by his loss of wealth.
He only ever blamed himself, “my actions made me sick!
If only I had taken time to learn to add and multiply.
Do listen to your teachers, try, and learn arithmetic!”
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Paul Hughes 2010
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