Jake the Cake's Poetry for Children

Paul Hughes' poetry and verse for anyone with imagination

Praise the Lord! But Spinach?! September 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Paul Hughes @ 8:43 pm
Tags: , ,

Apples and pizza and cherries and cheese,

our Lord, you’re a generous giver!

But what’s with the broccoli, spinach and peas

asparagus, cabbage and liver?

.

We’re honestly grateful, we know you mean well.

We hope you won’t think it a sin

and send us to Satan to suffer in Hell,

for chucking this muck in the bin!

.

Paul Hughes 2010

 

Self-doubt in a Sprout, Ennui in a Pea… August 13, 2010

Filed under: food — Paul Hughes @ 11:15 am
Tags:

“They always reject me, they simply expect me

to sit on the edge of the plate!

I’m tasty, believe me, but children just leave me

to wallow in gravy, nobody can save me.

How cold and unwelcome a fate!”

.

“My vegetable friends, it must come to an end.

I shall jump from this cliff to my doom.

I’m tired of crying and sighing, by dying

I’ll end the rejection, my self-introspection

and put a full stop to my gloom!”

.

“There’s simply no doubt,” said the Pea to the Sprout,

“we’re not a great hit with the kids.

Tomato and Spinach, let’s join him, we’re finished!

We’ll link hands and leap to the watery deep

and dance our last dance with the squid!”

.

I heard all this talk as I went for my walk

and couldn’t believe what I’d heard.

I sat down beside them and gently, to chide them,

I said “it would seem that such poor self-esteem

is truly, quite simply, absurd!”

.

“It would be such a waste of your wonderful taste

to throw yourselves into the sea.

There’s much more to life than a fork and a knife.

It’s foolish to wish for success in a dish.

I beg of you, listen to me!”

.

I told them a tale of the trumpet-nosed whale,

the hop of the Wallagaroo,

the race of the ant with the rhinocerphant,

the black and white trunk of the elephaskunk

and other beasts found in the zoo.

.

They listened, entranced, as I spoke of my dance

with crocodiles, under the moon.

I told them I’d sat and played chess with a cat,

who made quite a scene when I captured his queen

and sang a sad song, out of tune.

.

In time Pea concluded “we’ve been so deluded!

Your stories are beautifully told!

There’s so much to see, let us go! Follow me!”

But hungry, I took them. I diced them and cooked them.

and ate them, before they went cold.

.

Paul Hughes, 2010

.

.

Picture from: http://moveurbody.com/top-10-fitness-halloween-costumes/

 

Diet? Be quiet! June 2, 2010

Filed under: food — Paul Hughes @ 7:12 am
Tags:

No-one is better at sport.
My training routine is a dream.
I guzzle Stagg Chili in quarts,
washed down with a gallon of cream.
You’ll never defeat me, don’t try to out-eat me!
As thin as a pin, you’re pathetic!
I’ll finish your bowl and then swallow you whole.
My innards are truly athletic!
There’s simply no beating competitive eating.
I work out with take-outs in bed.
Some people run, jump or swim for their fun,
I eat twenty pizzas  instead.

.

Paul Hughes 2010

.

.

Not that I’m recommending this “sport” to my lovely, healthy, readers, but if you’d like to feel good about yourselves, the next time you eat one cake too many, go and visit the Major League Eating website: www.ifoce.com

 

The Fruit Fly October 1, 2008

Filed under: fruit,fruit fly — Paul Hughes @ 7:36 am
Tags: ,

 

I have a kitchen full of food which you would like to eat.

There’s aubergines and cheerios and lots of chewy sweets.

And yet there are some fruit flies there who seem to have forgotten

that fruit is nicest when it’s fresh; they only eat it rotten.

No wonder they’re so very small. I swear they’re getting thinner.

If only they would sit with me and eat a proper dinner.

Paul Hughes 2008

 

Incredible, inedible! April 3, 2008

Filed under: food,hospital,nails — Paul Hughes @ 7:13 am
Tags: , ,
food.gif
 

Have you ever eaten wood or munched a traffic cone?

Or chomped on nails and paperclips while sucking lumps of stone?

Perhaps you eat remote controls or chew on metal foil

And wash it down with axle grease or dirty engine oil?

 

By now you’re thinking: “what a fool to ask such silly questions

Why is this man so stupid? That would give me indigestion!”

But listen up, I speak the truth, my brother eats this stuff

He hates his food all soft and smooth, he likes it to be tough

 

Now, yesterday he ate a lamp and mother’s coffee table

Before he was electrocuted, chewing through a cable

So now he lies in hospital, we don’t know if he’ll make it

They try to give him medicine, if only he would take it

 

He’s eaten his heart monitor and swallowed nurse’s sandals

He even ate a wooden door, complete with both its handles

Lying on the floor he has no pillow for his head

He ate it for his breakfast and for lunch he ate his bed

 

I daren’t visit anymore, it’s nearly time for tea

There’s nothing left for him to eat except, that is, for me!

 

Paul Hughes 2008

 

Walking Tall with Cannibals March 27, 2008

Filed under: cannibal,food — Paul Hughes @ 10:49 pm
Tags: ,

cannibal.gif

  

I’ve seen chimpanzees and lemurs on the moon

all-a-dancing whilst gorillas play bassoon

I’ve heard apples debate Plato

with a wise old baked potato

but I’ve never heard a lemon sing in tune

 

But none of this compares with what I saw

as I woke up with a scream at ten to four

there were pygmies round my bed

pointing spears right at my head

and I found their smell too dreadful to ignore

 

The leader of this frightful troupe

had plans to boil me up for soup

he looked me up and down with hungry eyes

but when he saw my skinny frame

he snorted that he would refrain

from eating such an unappealing prize

 

Unhappy with his attitude

I asked him not to be so rude

explaining that I really was a treat

“I think I would taste rather nice

be my guest, do try a slice

I wager that I’m very good to eat”

 

But still he wasn’t satisfied

and so I went downstairs and fried

my liver in a rather lovely sauce

again, he said he wasn’t sure

and feared he’d have to try some more

and so I groaned and cooked another course

 

A buttock roast and eyes on toast

he liked my battered ears the most

I felt as if he’d finally come round

and, sure as eggs, he was quite full

he shook my hand and said “dear Paul

you’re quite the nicest meal that I have found”

 

The moral of this horrid verse:

rejection’s bad, acceptance worse

within an hour or two I’d fallen dead

but if you are a hungry man

there’s lots of me left in the pan

and in the fridge you’ll find a loaf of bread.

 

Paul Hughes 2008

 

 

Bad taste March 14, 2008

Filed under: food — Paul Hughes @ 7:36 am
Tags:
Copyright Dennis Kunkel Microscopy, Inc.
tapeworm.jpg

Our bovine friends do chew the cud

The earthworm likes to digest mud

And tapeworms feast on human waste

I find these foods are not my taste

I’d rather lunch on bread and cheese

Than munch on horrid things like these

Paul Hughes 2008

 

 
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