Apples and pizza and cherries and cheese,
our Lord, you’re a generous giver!
But what’s with the broccoli, spinach and peas
asparagus, cabbage and liver?
.
We’re honestly grateful, we know you mean well.
We hope you won’t think it a sin
and send us to Satan to suffer in Hell,
for chucking this muck in the bin!
.
Paul Hughes 2010
“They always reject me, they simply expect me
to sit on the edge of the plate!
I’m tasty, believe me, but children just leave me
to wallow in gravy, nobody can save me.
How cold and unwelcome a fate!”
.
“My vegetable friends, it must come to an end.
I shall jump from this cliff to my doom.
I’m tired of crying and sighing, by dying
I’ll end the rejection, my self-introspection
and put a full stop to my gloom!”
.
“There’s simply no doubt,” said the Pea to the Sprout,
“we’re not a great hit with the kids.
Tomato and Spinach, let’s join him, we’re finished!
We’ll link hands and leap to the watery deep
and dance our last dance with the squid!”
.
I heard all this talk as I went for my walk
and couldn’t believe what I’d heard.
I sat down beside them and gently, to chide them,
I said “it would seem that such poor self-esteem
is truly, quite simply, absurd!”
.
“It would be such a waste of your wonderful taste
to throw yourselves into the sea.
There’s much more to life than a fork and a knife.
It’s foolish to wish for success in a dish.
I beg of you, listen to me!”
.
I told them a tale of the trumpet-nosed whale,
the hop of the Wallagaroo,
the race of the ant with the rhinocerphant,
the black and white trunk of the elephaskunk
and other beasts found in the zoo.
.
They listened, entranced, as I spoke of my dance
with crocodiles, under the moon.
I told them I’d sat and played chess with a cat,
who made quite a scene when I captured his queen
and sang a sad song, out of tune.
.
In time Pea concluded “we’ve been so deluded!
Your stories are beautifully told!
There’s so much to see, let us go! Follow me!”
But hungry, I took them. I diced them and cooked them.
and ate them, before they went cold.
.
Paul Hughes, 2010
.
.
Picture from: http://moveurbody.com/top-10-fitness-halloween-costumes/
No-one is better at sport.
My training routine is a dream.
I guzzle Stagg Chili in quarts,
washed down with a gallon of cream.
You’ll never defeat me, don’t try to out-eat me!
As thin as a pin, you’re pathetic!
I’ll finish your bowl and then swallow you whole.
My innards are truly athletic!
There’s simply no beating competitive eating.
I work out with take-outs in bed.
Some people run, jump or swim for their fun,
I eat twenty pizzas instead.
.
Paul Hughes 2010
.
.
Not that I’m recommending this “sport” to my lovely, healthy, readers, but if you’d like to feel good about yourselves, the next time you eat one cake too many, go and visit the Major League Eating website: www.ifoce.com
I have a kitchen full of food which you would like to eat.
There’s aubergines and cheerios and lots of chewy sweets.
And yet there are some fruit flies there who seem to have forgotten
that fruit is nicest when it’s fresh; they only eat it rotten.
No wonder they’re so very small. I swear they’re getting thinner.
If only they would sit with me and eat a proper dinner.
Paul Hughes 2008
Have you ever eaten wood or munched a traffic cone?
Or chomped on nails and paperclips while sucking lumps of stone?
Perhaps you eat remote controls or chew on metal foil
And wash it down with axle grease or dirty engine oil?
By now you’re thinking: “what a fool to ask such silly questions
Why is this man so stupid? That would give me indigestion!”
But listen up, I speak the truth, my brother eats this stuff
He hates his food all soft and smooth, he likes it to be tough
Now, yesterday he ate a lamp and mother’s coffee table
Before he was electrocuted, chewing through a cable
So now he lies in hospital, we don’t know if he’ll make it
They try to give him medicine, if only he would take it
He’s eaten his heart monitor and swallowed nurse’s sandals
He even ate a wooden door, complete with both its handles
Lying on the floor he has no pillow for his head
He ate it for his breakfast and for lunch he ate his bed
I daren’t visit anymore, it’s nearly time for tea
There’s nothing left for him to eat except, that is, for me!
Paul Hughes 2008
I’ve seen chimpanzees and lemurs on the moon
all-a-dancing whilst gorillas play bassoon
I’ve heard apples debate Plato
with a wise old baked potato
but I’ve never heard a lemon sing in tune
But none of this compares with what I saw
as I woke up with a scream at ten to four
there were pygmies round my bed
pointing spears right at my head
and I found their smell too dreadful to ignore
The leader of this frightful troupe
had plans to boil me up for soup
he looked me up and down with hungry eyes
but when he saw my skinny frame
he snorted that he would refrain
from eating such an unappealing prize
Unhappy with his attitude
I asked him not to be so rude
explaining that I really was a treat
“I think I would taste rather nice
be my guest, do try a slice
I wager that I’m very good to eat”
But still he wasn’t satisfied
and so I went downstairs and fried
my liver in a rather lovely sauce
again, he said he wasn’t sure
and feared he’d have to try some more
and so I groaned and cooked another course
A buttock roast and eyes on toast
he liked my battered ears the most
I felt as if he’d finally come round
and, sure as eggs, he was quite full
he shook my hand and said “dear Paul
you’re quite the nicest meal that I have found”
The moral of this horrid verse:
rejection’s bad, acceptance worse
within an hour or two I’d fallen dead
but if you are a hungry man
there’s lots of me left in the pan
and in the fridge you’ll find a loaf of bread.
Paul Hughes 2008
Our bovine friends do chew the cud
The earthworm likes to digest mud
And tapeworms feast on human waste
I find these foods are not my taste
I’d rather lunch on bread and cheese
Than munch on horrid things like these
Paul Hughes 2008
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