The Fruit Fly October 1, 2008

 

I have a kitchen full of food which you would like to eat.

There’s aubergines and cheerios and lots of chewy sweets.

And yet there are some fruit flies there who seem to have forgotten

that fruit is nicest when it’s fresh; they only eat it rotten.

No wonder they’re so very small. I swear they’re getting thinner.

If only they would sit with me and eat a proper dinner.

Paul Hughes 2008

Incredible, inedible! April 3, 2008

 

Have you ever eaten wood or munched a traffic cone?

Or chomped on nails and paperclips while sucking lumps of stone?

Perhaps you eat remote controls or chew on metal foil

And wash it down with axle grease or dirty engine oil?

 

By now you’re thinking: “what a fool to ask such silly questions

Why is this man so stupid? That would give me indigestion!”

But listen up, I speak the truth, my brother eats this stuff

He hates his food all soft and smooth, he likes it to be tough

 

Now, yesterday he ate a lamp and mother’s coffee table

Before he was electrocuted, chewing through a cable

So now he lies in hospital, we don’t know if he’ll make it

They try to give him medicine, if only he would take it

 

He’s eaten his heart monitor and swallowed nurse’s sandals

He even ate a wooden door, complete with both its handles

Lying on the floor he has no pillow for his head

He ate it for his breakfast and for lunch he ate his bed

 

I daren’t visit anymore, it’s nearly time for tea

There’s nothing left for him to eat except, that is, for me!

 

Paul Hughes 2008

Walking Tall with Cannibals March 27, 2008

  

I’ve seen chimpanzees and lemurs on the moon

all-a-dancing whilst gorillas play bassoon

I’ve heard apples debate Plato

with a wise old baked potato

but I’ve never heard a lemon sing in tune

 

But none of this compares with what I saw

as I woke up with a scream at ten to four

there were pygmies round my bed

pointing spears right at my head

and I found their smell too dreadful to ignore

 

The leader of this frightful troupe

had plans to boil me up for soup

he looked me up and down with hungry eyes

but when he saw my skinny frame

he snorted that he would refrain

from eating such an unappealing prize

 

Unhappy with his attitude

I asked him not to be so rude

explaining that I really was a treat

“I think I would taste rather nice

be my guest, do try a slice

I wager that I’m very good to eat”

 

But still he wasn’t satisfied

and so I went downstairs and fried

my liver in a rather lovely sauce

again, he said he wasn’t sure

and feared he’d have to try some more

and so I groaned and cooked another course

 

A buttock roast and eyes on toast

he liked my battered ears the most

I felt as if he’d finally come round

and, sure as eggs, he was quite full

he shook my hand and said “dear Paul

you’re quite the nicest meal that I have found”

 

The moral of this horrid verse:

rejection’s bad, acceptance worse

within an hour or two I’d fallen dead

but if you are a hungry man

there’s lots of me left in the pan

and in the fridge you’ll find a loaf of bread.

 

Paul Hughes 2008

 

Bad taste March 14, 2008

Copyright Dennis Kunkel Microscopy, Inc.

Our bovine friends do chew the cud

The earthworm likes to digest mud

And tapeworms feast on human waste

I find these foods are not my taste

I’d rather lunch on bread and cheese

Than munch on horrid things like these

Paul Hughes 2008