It came to the Crunch at the Cannibal’s Lunch! August 13, 2010

 

Oh mother, you know that I love you.

I generally do what you say,

but this time I really can’t bear to.

I can’t and I shan’t, so, no way!

For Tom Green has always been friendly,

and Sal Green is awfully kind.

The thought of it simply offends me.

I’ve freed them, I hope you don’t mind!

.

His mother’s face curdled with fury.

She screamed in a terrible rage.

Her yells could be heard in Missouri.

She stuffed his friends back in their cage.

Her husband came running “My darling!

Please tell me what all this noise means!”

She answered, still growling and snarling.

“That naughty boy won’t eat his Greens!”

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Paul Hughes 2010

Auntie Jean December 25, 2009

Uncle Ted: a silent type,
he liked to sit and smoke his pipe
and watch the world pass by.
He rarely smiled and wouldn’t talk,
he didn’t laugh and couldn’t walk
He wouldn’t even try.
He only had one leg, you see,
for one was gone beneath the knee.
I often wondered why.
And so I asked him “Uncle Ted,
what made you such a monoped?”
And this was his reply:
“The guinea pig you thought had died
was dipped in egg and lightly fried
Your Auntie Jean, she ate it.
You think the cat just ran away?
She had it for her lunch one day.
She diced it and sautéed it.
She went through quite the strangest phase,
a truly zooicidal craze.
My little blue-rinsed killer!
She ate her way through London zoo
and half of Drayton Manor too.
But nothing seemed to fill ‘er.
We made our way to Vietnam,
through Africa and Pakistan,
for new exotic meats.
She chomped her way through chimpanzees
orangutangs and manatees,
gazelles and parakeets.”
“And so,” I ventured, “was your leg
torn off by bears in Winnipeg,
or tigers in Nepal?”
“Why, no,” he sighed “your aunt had tried
each beast the planet could provide.
She’d tasted one and all.
It broke her heart and so I knew.
What else was there for me to do?
I love that cannibal!”
.
Paul Hughes 2009

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(illustration from: moblog.net/media/ j/u/d/judojule/grandma.jpg)

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I’m fed up with people! August 7, 2008

 

I’m fed up with people, I am!

I really do hate what I’m eating.

 I scream: “give me pork, beef or lamb!”

My parents just give me a beating.

I long for tomatoes, asparagus spears,

but all I am given is roast leg and ears.

We never get veggies or fresh fruit for tea,

‘cause cannibals only eat people, you see!

I dream of red apples, bananas and ham

I’m fed up with people, I am!

 

Paul Hughes 2008

Walking Tall with Cannibals March 27, 2008

  

I’ve seen chimpanzees and lemurs on the moon

all-a-dancing whilst gorillas play bassoon

I’ve heard apples debate Plato

with a wise old baked potato

but I’ve never heard a lemon sing in tune

 

But none of this compares with what I saw

as I woke up with a scream at ten to four

there were pygmies round my bed

pointing spears right at my head

and I found their smell too dreadful to ignore

 

The leader of this frightful troupe

had plans to boil me up for soup

he looked me up and down with hungry eyes

but when he saw my skinny frame

he snorted that he would refrain

from eating such an unappealing prize

 

Unhappy with his attitude

I asked him not to be so rude

explaining that I really was a treat

“I think I would taste rather nice

be my guest, do try a slice

I wager that I’m very good to eat”

 

But still he wasn’t satisfied

and so I went downstairs and fried

my liver in a rather lovely sauce

again, he said he wasn’t sure

and feared he’d have to try some more

and so I groaned and cooked another course

 

A buttock roast and eyes on toast

he liked my battered ears the most

I felt as if he’d finally come round

and, sure as eggs, he was quite full

he shook my hand and said “dear Paul

you’re quite the nicest meal that I have found”

 

The moral of this horrid verse:

rejection’s bad, acceptance worse

within an hour or two I’d fallen dead

but if you are a hungry man

there’s lots of me left in the pan

and in the fridge you’ll find a loaf of bread.

 

Paul Hughes 2008