Drugs Round March 29, 2010

The girl in the chair sings “bing bung bing!”
and the man in the bed chimes “bong!”
‘cos this is the song which the patients sing
when the nurse gives the drugs out wrong.
.
Paul Hughes 2010

The Woodlouse and the Centipede March 21, 2010

The Woodlouse and the Centipede lay basking in the sun
When Dragonfly buzzed by with invitations.
“It is the Queen Bee’s birthday, and the party starts at One.
She hopes you will attend the celebrations.”
“Please hurry, Centipede,” said ‘Louse, “there is no time to lose.
We need to find a hundred socks and polish all your shoes.
You know how sharp Queen Bee can be, about the slightest thing.
Her honey tastes so sweet and yet her sarcasm can sting.”

.
At twelve o clock the Woodlouse and the Centipede set out.
They gleamed and shone like diamonds in the light.
And how they dazzled all the other insects round about,
who stood and stared, mouths open, at the sight.
“My Centipede” the Woodlouse purred, “the handsomest of men.
I haven’t felt as proud as this since, oh, I don’t know when.”
“Dear Woodlouse” said the Centipede, “you set my heart awhirl,
”my darling little cheese-log*, armadillidium** girl.”

.
Arm in arm, they reached the hive, enchanting all the guests
who saw them come and gasped to see their beauty.
“The Centipede is such a hunk,” the Ladybird confessed,
“and look at Woodlouse! Isn’t she a cutie?!”
“That filthy Woodlouse, call her cute?” The Queen Bee screamed with rage.
“I like to think I’m prettier. I’m barely half her age!
And as for Centipede,” she yelled, “I’ve seen more handsome guys.
Why look, he has a double chin, a beer-gut, pudgy thighs!”

.
“How dare they come,” she screamed again, “out-shining me, their Queen?
Pretending they’re as beautiful as I?
Schizophyllum sabulosum***, Chuggypig!* Obscene!
Be gone foul Slater*, get thee hence! Goodbye!
I banish you forevermore, forever from my sight.
Dare not leave your homes by day, restrict yourselves to night.
And if I see you wearing colour, anything but grey,
I swear to God almighty, you will not survive the day.”

.
And so, dear reader, now you know why woodlice fear the light
and why our friends, the centipedes, are only seen at night.
The Queen Bee is a jealous beast, she cannot bear to see
anything as beautiful, as glorious as she.

.
*Slater, cheeselog, chuggypig: regional names for “woodlouse”

** a genus of woodlice

*** Latin name for “centipede”

.

Paul Hughes 2010